Freedom in Love

For many years, I was in a committed relationship with a woman and I felt completely trapped. Now, for many years I have been in a committed relationship with a different woman, and I feel completely free.

So what has made the difference? While some would say it was because of my choice in partners, I believe it has more to do with the conditions that each of my partners and I set up.

In the first relationship, I allowed my standards to be compromised. Out of fear and co-dependency, my partner and I kept on lowering the bar for what we would put up with. In the second relationship, my partner and I continually raise the bar for how we treat each other.

One thing that surprises me is how people in relationships set themselves up to lose. Especially in marriage. Vows and promises are made, often without a lot of thought, and then the vows are broken or forgotten, and people wonder went wrong. What went wrong is the rules of the relationship were violated, and rather than working through the problem, someone decided it wasn’t worth the effort. Gradually, trust was eroded, resentment started building up, bad feelings began to escalate, and then it became a free-for-all where neither person was really free.

So my first question is, if you are currently married, when was the last time you and your spouse discussed your vows? Do you even remember what they are? And are your vows still relevant and applicable? Are they current? How often do you refine them? And most importantly are they YOURS? Are they promises that YOU own and fully intend to keep?

Same goes for any committed relationship. If YOU have made promises to your partner, then it is up to YOU to hold the standards for yourself. To define what is and is not acceptable FOR YOU! Then and only then will you get the love and respect that you desire. Knowing what you value, and knowing where you stand, you can then relate to your partner from a stable place. Being clear about your rules, and being willing to back them up, will make it a whole lot easier to define the conditions of how you relate to one another. And when both of you are firm and clear about the standards, woo hoo! Life just keeps on getting better.

I encourage you to discuss this with your partner. See how he or she feels about revisiting your vows and updated them at least once every year or quarter. And if your partner isn’t willing to set and hold some standards that for you are vitally important, then by staying with that person you have got what you deserve. You will have sold out for security, but your security will be false.

On the flip side, when you personally have regained the confidence of keeping your promises to yourself, and once you and your partner are once again feeling secure and confident in your promises to each other, then you will feel free to be yourselves. In other words, once the rules of your relating have been clearly set for both of you, then you can find infinite freedom within the constraints of finite boundaries. You can have the freedom you desire, and you can have the certainty you require!

So here’s a little exercise to help you on your way. And if you’d like some extra help, I’d be happy to show you and your partner how to improve your vows or come up with some rules and promises that will help each of you feel happier and more fulfilled in your relationship.

1. Brainstorm a list of things that are essential to you in your relationship. Do this on your own.
2. Have your partner make a list on their own.
3. Now merge your lists. Whatever is the same or both of you agree upon, put it on your combined list. Anything that’s different, leave it off the list for now.
4. Now each of you pick something from the list to start working on together.
5. Use your combined list to refine your vows or develop your promises to each other.

Here’s an example of some things that Leesa and I agreed upon, before writing them in our vows. Our combined list included: